Is there a dark side to positivity?

When it comes to hard times and life proves challenging, optimism has its place. Looking at the world through rose colored glasses, always seeing the silver lining, having the “glass is half full” kind of attitude can be useful, but it can also be a form of avoidance. It is important to find that balance between accepting your feelings (or other’s feelings) without wallowing in them or avoiding them all together. Within the personal growth and development space, there are a lot of new-age terms that can rub people the wrong way (me being one of those people); the term I want to dive into today is “Toxic Positivity”. I have heard this term tossed around but hadn’t thought much of it until recently when it smacked me in the face.

Several weeks ago, I found myself defensive and super annoyed by my kids in, of all places, a Family Snapchat conversation. Someone mentioned a terrible thing that was unfolding in the news media; it was a local story that was unpleasant and just made everyone feel sad to know. Since the pandemic, I limit my news-intake and tend to be more selective about which current events get my attention. When I replied that I had not been watching the news a lot (because, I found it depressing), it quickly turned into what felt like, an attack on my optimism. I was told what I was doing was a form of “toxic positivity”. This is when I found myself Googling the term – after all, it can’t be good!  

According to www.psychologytoday.com, “Toxic positivity is the act of avoiding, suppressing, or rejecting negative emotions or experiences.”Ok, fair enough.  The post went on to say, “This may take the form of denying your own emotions or someone else denying your emotions, insisting on positive thinking instead.“ This entire subject caused me to do a lot of self-examination! It had me exploring the line between hiding adverse feelings and just genuinely being optimistic. I sought out answers after questioning my default response to all things negative. I believe that awareness is the key. So, is my positive response to negative stimuli toxic? The short answer – it depends.

Admittedly, I am the queen of anti-confrontation and have been called out on my need to squash almost any discord that could potentially unfold around me. This act of self-preservation (and the preservation of peace) does a disservice to those who are trying to air their grievances. This has taken me years to realize, and I am still learning to be aware of when I am doing it. A tough lesson to learn is that each of us is on our own path, here to learn in our own way, through whatever means we need to, and with whomever we need to; this is also known as Karma. My need for (my idea of) harmony has the potential to strip people of their free will and not allow them to grow (wow, that sounds dramatic right?). Seriously though, there is truth to this that should be examined more closely. Enter in – Toxic Positivity as it seems to have a place here.

To simplify, being toxically positive is the act of circumventing your own feelings or the feelings of others for the sake of peace. For example, if you or someone you know is going through something difficult, toxic positivity may prescribe a “suck it up” kind of attitude or a, “it isn’t so bad, just think on the bright side” kind of response. That “just think more positively” reply is not very helpful and actually invalidates people’s feelings. Knowing I can easily cross over to the dark side of positivity, I have been very careful when responding to things I deem as unfavorable or disruptive to my own accord; things that hinder my energy or my vibration. With this newfound awareness, I tend to pause before any reaction and do a little self-inquiry. Asking questions like: what has made me feel challenged? Can I readily make it better in a constructive and healthy way? Is this just a shitty circumstance that is worthy of acknowledgment or an adverse reaction? In other words, is this an appropriate time to be pissed off, sad, annoyed or any of the above? If it is someone else who is feeling negatively, do they just need me to listen and hold space for them? Or, do they need advice or support? Answering those questions can be very useful for someone like me who tends to air on the side of optimism. In any case, pausing before responding is usually best.

There are healthy ways to deal with negativity without succumbing to the heaviness of the situation and allowing the time and space it needs without being an anchor on the soul. Again, admittedly, I have a real fear of being sucked into a vortex of doom, so I tend to lean into optimism. However, being conscious of when that fear shows up has helped me to allow and accept the sometimes not-so-rosy things in life. To speak metaphorically, ignoring the heavy shit that comes up in life is like wearing a backpack and stuffing if full of the items you don’t want to deal with. It doesn’t get any lighter despite smiling through the difficulty, it only gets heavier with time. It must be taken off, unzipped, and unpacked to lighten the load. Same with our friends or family – anyone close to us who may be suffering; we don’t have to own their suffering but allowing it to be and allowing them to have their feelings is a crucial part of growth.  

In summary, when called out about practicing toxic positivity, perhaps I was defensive for a reason. It was good for me to take an honest look at my tendencies to be positive and remain open to allowing the negativity to coexist with my hopefulness. Creating the necessary space for bad things to pass through without getting swept away is a healthy approach. Allowing the same for others is equally important and validating. Sometimes it is necessary to have a meltdown, cry, be angry and simply release those feelings. Holding those feelings inside is what can be toxic and ultimately poison our well-being!

Here’s hoping this has found you on the brighter side of life!

Cheers