Exploring the Idea of Self-Love
Hello and Happy February
I hope this finds you well and you are enjoying the winter months. February seems to conjure ideas of love, specifically, romantic love. This month however, I would like to explore another concept of love – self-love. (Did you just cringe?) If so, you are not alone! I have struggled with this idea for many years. We hear ideological sayings like, “you must love yourself before anyone else can love you”, which may be true, but not only does that seems far easier said than done, what does that even mean? To complicate this even further, we are also taught not to be “overconfident” or “conceited”; so, where is the line? What does it really mean to love yourself? Well, let’s dive into a few ideas that I have been developing over the course of my personal growth journey.
What on Earth is Self-Love?❤️
Ironically, I sometimes use the thesaurus when writing these newsletters and, in an effort not to over-use the term “self-love”, I sought out variations. Much to my surprise, the thesaurus suggested words like “smugness” or “narcissism”. This is evidence that we are unconsciously taught that loving yourself is bad. However, self-love is not selfish, or egotistic. I have come to learn that loving yourself is simply the quiet relationship you have with yourself and your thoughts. It is gentle and unassuming, not loud or grandiose. It is honoring who we are as people – as humans. It is relating to yourself with compassion rather than dismissing your thoughts and feelings; especially when it is easier to judge, abandon or condemn our own needs. Self-love is NOT, “positive thinking” or “fixing yourself”. It is true acceptance, kindness and patience; it is observing yourself and being present. Maintaining the practice of self-love is easy to do when things are going well; however, loving ourselves when our lives feel turbulent or disrupted can be more of a challenge. What I have learned is that those unstable times are when it is most crucial to put this into practice. Self-love can be subtle and show up in various ways. Below are a few ideas I find helpful that I invite you to explore.
Setting Boundaries (even if it means disappointing others)
I will be the first to admit that I struggle with the “disease to please”. My knee-jerk response is “yes” even if I truly don’t want to. This is something I am working on (and I get better each day). Setting boundaries can be really challenging, especially if you have a deep-seated fear of letting others down (like I do). What I am learning is that boundaries are an act of love for myself as well as for others. If I say yes to things that my heart is not invested in, I am not only betraying myself, but I am also betraying those I say yes to as well. Not to mention, too many yeses can be taxing; especially when they are not in alignment with our values. To use one of my favorite sayings, “you begin to feel resentful and depleted when there are too many withdrawals from your emotional bank account and not enough deposits”. This takes practice and it requires listening to ourselves and being very honest.
Listening to Our Bodies Instead of Pushing Through
Our bodies will let us know when it is time to take a break. Have you ever been so sick you simply cannot function at all? I know I have, and I am grateful for those times as they have taught me how to pay attention to my physical needs. There was one time that comes to mind when I think of my body demanding rest and forcing me to listen. It was 2009 and the office I was with at the time was hosting a very important annual event. I distinctly remember thinking that I just HAD to be there. Well, I contracted a terrible flu that took over my body and made other plans for me. Denying my body the rest it craved, I tried to power through it at first; however, I lost that battle. Waking up almost 22 hours later, I realized the event was over. I was still very sick but missing the event was not the end of the world. I took that as a sign to slow down. Rest IS a form of productivity, but it is easy to get caught up in the busyness of life. When it comes to self-love, it is important to remember that rest does not have to be EARNED. Perhaps this is the one practice that can be easily overlooked until it is too late.
Talking to Ourselves with Compassion💬
Another easily overlooked practice is the awareness of our inner dialogue. I often notice that I will use derogatory language while berating myself over silly things. (How weird it was just to type that sentence). Recently, I noticed how I spoke to myself out loud when our six-year-old grandson repeated what I said. That was eye-opening. This is one of the more challenging practices for me personally; however, I feel this it is very important to notice our inner dialogue – that inner critic who sometimes never lets up! In the book “The Untethered Soul”, by Michael Singer, he suggests imagining your inner critic outside of yourself – like a roommate you live with. What a nightmare that would be – to have someone constantly condemning you in your own home! To reframe this, when negative self-talk creeps in (and it does), I like to ask myself if I would talk to a friend that way. Would I tell my friend they were lazy because they were procrastinating? Or stupid because they made a mistake? Definitely not! So perhaps a little compassion is in order. Treating ourselves how we would treat others – with compassion, love and grace.
Accepting Where We Are✨
Acceptance is not complacency. (Another concept I am always working on.) Accepting our current circumstances is not rejecting growth, rather, remaining open to growth without rejecting Yourself. We are all a work in progress, changing and shifting as the world around us changes and shifts. One story from my past stands out when I think of accepting my circumstances was a conversation I had with my mom in 1999. At that time, I was a stay-at-home mom with our two kids and I felt lost, I distinctly remember saying to my mom, “I don’t feel like I am doing enough in the world – I feel lost”. My mom’s reply is one I will never forget. She said simply, “Perhaps you are exactly where you need to be”. Twenty-seven years later and that wise statement still resonates. I find myself saying those words in my head, perhaps, as a means of loving myself.
In Closing
Self-love is a loaded topic, and I could have made this even longer. To simplify, self-love is not about fixing something that is broken; rather, it is our personal relationship with ourselves. It is about respecting ourselves and knowing we are worthy just as we are. Worthy of making decisions that align with our values. Worthy of rest, of love, of compassion and accepting ourselves as we are so that we can shine our light in the world.
As always, thank you for being here and for reading this far! It truly means a lot to me!
With gratitude and love,
Adriana